Why is empathy so mischievous?

I used to believe that I was highly skilled in empathy. I was delusional.

I have always been a great listener which allows people to feel safe with me. I could cognitively understand how a person might feel and even be able to reflect that back to them in a way that they could feel seen. People really value this and it’s rare these days, but this is still surface level empathy.

The next level of empathy is to fully understand and share the feelings of another person on an emotional level. Truly take on their perspective as if it were your own.

I never felt safe enough for this. If I didn’t like their worldview or what they were feeling or experiencing, I could connect with them, but I’d keep them at a distance. If their beliefs conflicted with mine, I’d listen to them but then pretty quickly dismiss those beliefs. I didn’t want to drink what they were drinking and as a result was never able to fully connect.

This deeper level of empathy is tough. It’s vulnerable. It’s nuanced. It challenges our own beliefs. It requires us to be fully present with ourselves and another. And it demands emotional courage.

I wasn’t ready for this before, but this is my journey now.

Is it ok to feel sad?

I used to be completely closed off from all of my emotions (it's a longer story for another time). For the last 18 months or so, I've been working on expanding my emotional range more and more every day.

With the world on fire, my country being on the brink of an unnecessary war and so many other tragic things seemingly happening all at once, it's a lot to take in.

I feel sad.

I feel sad for the people of Australia. And for the animals on that continent who are being devastated. And all the families and loved ones who suffer the endless casualties of war. And for the poor. And for the ill. And the people facing discrimination. And. And. And. Even writing this I feel myself going down a spiral so I'm going to stop there.

And it's real. It's ok to be sad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or whatever other emotion may be coming up for you me at this moment.

Even as I started writing the title of post, I had a moment where I decided to postpone writing this until some point in the future. I don't want to write this tonight I said to myself very unconvincingly, and that's when I knew I had to write this now.

I used to think of sadness as a sign of weakness or some other bullshit. Emotions - bah, that's some sissy stuff. Not for me, who needs 'em, I would say. I would put my head down and work harder. Or just as bad, drink enough alcohol to make it go away for a while. Or use any other distraction to completely check out instead of feeling my feelings.

And while ignore was bliss for me for a very long time, I'm now aware of how much of the world, the light and the dark and every color in between, I was missing by being so closed.

I feel sad, and that's ok. I will still wake up tomorrow morning ready to spread light and continue building a more beautiful world.