What replaces judgement?

Judgement used to be my personal bodyguard. I would make real-time judgements of everything and everyone as a way to make sense of the world. Who was a threat, who was an ally, who knew their shit and who was faking it.

Judgement was a skill that I had practiced all the time and gotten quite good at it. It helped me read the room, close sales, lead teams effectively, anticipate and generally operate in the world.

But.

I was delivered some harsh truths from some dear friends.

In a surprise to almost no one but me, these judgements were not well received by those closest to me and as a result caused people to never truly feel safe with me.

Huge eye opener for me. And one that I’m still working through to be honest. It was my default way of understanding everything and everyone, and it was holding me back.

Judgement served me well, but it is time for a serious upgrade. From the world of Ken Wilber and Integral theory, my goal with judgement is not to eliminate it or make it wrong, but rather to transcend and include it. How can I make room for that judgement but do so with love and compassion?

As I piece this all together in this moment of writing, there is no need to replace judgement. It can still have its place and its purpose. But when I use that as my default and only strategy for how to view the world and build relationships, it no longer works (and never really worked to be honest).

By allowing judgement to be there but not run the show, I need new strategies. I’ve started to look towards a combination of curiosity, inquiry, empathy, discernment, intuition, kindness and love. This is going to take time and I’m so incredibly grateful for those who are patient and supportive on me on this journey.

Why is empathy so mischievous?

I used to believe that I was highly skilled in empathy. I was delusional.

I have always been a great listener which allows people to feel safe with me. I could cognitively understand how a person might feel and even be able to reflect that back to them in a way that they could feel seen. People really value this and it’s rare these days, but this is still surface level empathy.

The next level of empathy is to fully understand and share the feelings of another person on an emotional level. Truly take on their perspective as if it were your own.

I never felt safe enough for this. If I didn’t like their worldview or what they were feeling or experiencing, I could connect with them, but I’d keep them at a distance. If their beliefs conflicted with mine, I’d listen to them but then pretty quickly dismiss those beliefs. I didn’t want to drink what they were drinking and as a result was never able to fully connect.

This deeper level of empathy is tough. It’s vulnerable. It’s nuanced. It challenges our own beliefs. It requires us to be fully present with ourselves and another. And it demands emotional courage.

I wasn’t ready for this before, but this is my journey now.

What happens when heroes become human?

Tim Tebow.

There's something about that guy that always felt super human to me.

I remember watching him win the Heisman Trophy and two National Championships with Florida. The speech he gave, which was quickly turned into a plaque, is the stuff of legends. He then did some fun things in the NFL and even in professional baseball. Tebow is on the short list of the closest we have to a real-life super heroes.

I had a chance to meet him a few weeks ago. I said to a friend before the meeting, "I normally don't get excited about meeting celebrities or famous people, but come on, this is TIM TEBOW. I feel like I have to get a selfie with this dude."

And then, when I had the chance to get a Tebow selfie, as people were lining up to meet him, something strange happened for me.

He became human.

I wasn't expecting that. In that moment, I no longer had a desire for selfie. I didn't feel the need to shake his hand or even ask him a question. It was enough for me to have listened to him share so passionately about what he was up to these days.

It was a strange feeling to have this larger-than-life inspirational celebrity figure transform in a few moments into another human on his path trying to do some good in this world.

Looking back now, I can now appreciate that this unlocked another level of empathy for me. I am forever grateful for that moment with Tim even though it will never be documented in the halls of Instagram.