Are we allowed to change our minds?

I used to have very strongly held beliefs about certain things. Religion, politics, past lives, free will, nutrition, mental health to name a few.

As part of my heart opening journey and expanding my emotional range, I’m seeing many more things in shades of gray and not so black and white. There’s a whole world of nuance.

After spending a few years in SF, I had very strong judgements towards people who would talk about their past lives. I have since to come to discover things that have changed my mind. A bit. I still don’t think it’s a thing, at least as some of these folks describe it, but I’m not absolutely certain anymore.

Because of our collective dwindling ability for public discourse and discernment, I’m not sure it’s safe for people to change their minds. If you have a certain political belief, it is frowned upon to agree with someone on the other side of the aisle. We have decided to be pro-polarization and anti-discernment.

We are so quick to cancel and completely cut people out of our lives. In doing so, we are reinforcing fixed identities. We don’t allow for people to grow and change because we are comfortable with who they are and how they think.

I’m guilty of this. As with most things I write about here, I’m speaking from my own personal experience and journey. I like for people to fit into nice, neat boxes in my mind of who they are and what they believe. If they change their mind, it messes up my tidy judgements. I’m working through it, and it’s a major shift for me. In doing so, I hope that I can become more comfortable with changing my own mind and allow others around me to feel safe to do the same.

What replaces judgement?

Judgement used to be my personal bodyguard. I would make real-time judgements of everything and everyone as a way to make sense of the world. Who was a threat, who was an ally, who knew their shit and who was faking it.

Judgement was a skill that I had practiced all the time and gotten quite good at it. It helped me read the room, close sales, lead teams effectively, anticipate and generally operate in the world.

But.

I was delivered some harsh truths from some dear friends.

In a surprise to almost no one but me, these judgements were not well received by those closest to me and as a result caused people to never truly feel safe with me.

Huge eye opener for me. And one that I’m still working through to be honest. It was my default way of understanding everything and everyone, and it was holding me back.

Judgement served me well, but it is time for a serious upgrade. From the world of Ken Wilber and Integral theory, my goal with judgement is not to eliminate it or make it wrong, but rather to transcend and include it. How can I make room for that judgement but do so with love and compassion?

As I piece this all together in this moment of writing, there is no need to replace judgement. It can still have its place and its purpose. But when I use that as my default and only strategy for how to view the world and build relationships, it no longer works (and never really worked to be honest).

By allowing judgement to be there but not run the show, I need new strategies. I’ve started to look towards a combination of curiosity, inquiry, empathy, discernment, intuition, kindness and love. This is going to take time and I’m so incredibly grateful for those who are patient and supportive on me on this journey.

What if I didn’t accomplish anything?

There are times when I lay down at night and think:

“What did I actually accomplish today?”

Some nights, it comes easy while others might be a struggle. Then there are days like today where I really didn’t accomplish very much.

I didn’t move my business forward in any tangible way. I didn’t generate any new revenue. I didn’t create value for clients or the marketplace.

In the past, this might have been a big disappointment. But that's life. Not all days are going to be perfectly optimized up-and-to-the-right.

Also. There are things that are far more important checking the box of accomplishment for the day. Health. Family. Those come first. Today was a day for those.

I no longer have any negative reaction or judgement towards myself on those days where my accomplishment box does not overflowth. When it happens, it happens. I go to bed looking forward to what goodness tomorrow has in store for me.