What if who I hoped to be was always me?

It’s been a minute since I’ve published anything. 23 months to be precise. It feels like nothing has changed and everything has changed all at once.

My last post was titled “What happens in the middle of transformation?” Appropriate fucking title John. Collectively and individually we’re in the middle of the transition from the old story to the new. Two years later and I can finally start to answer this question for me individually. In the middle of transformation is a lot of beauty, magic, synchronicity, tragedy, shit sandwiches, heart break, and grief mixed in with some of the most challenging years of my life.

I’m really proud of how I showed up at certain times. I am also ashamed of others. I needed to get my ass kicked by the universe, to get humbled and to find whole new levels of surrender that I didn't even know existed. I’ve had a powerful vision inside of me for years and I’ve been too afraid to take a stand for it. I don’t even like typing that let alone the thought of publishing it, yet here we are.

This past weekend, I was in the middle of a solo meditation retreat to work on a few things, and I heard a song that I’ve heard many times before. But this time it hit different. This is the opening line:

“What if who I hoped to be was always me?”

I’ve been in the middle of this transformation for years, but what if I’m already who I’m trying to transform into? What if I am already the butterfly? What if who I hoped to one day be is already me right now in this exact moment? Yeah John, what if?

I still have a long way to go on this journey, a lot more to learn and even more to embody. A lot of questions and only a few more answers than I’ve previously had access to.

And.

I’m already exactly where I need to be. Exactly who I need to be. Doing exactly what I need to be doing. And that is enough.

What happens in the middle of transformation?

“There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.”

One of my all-time favorite quote, a true gem from Buckminster Fuller and certainly one of the best ways I've heard to describe the process of transformation.

I've been immersed in the world of transformation for years: studying, witnessing, supporting, challenging and undergoing several of my own. All that is to say, I know a good transformation when I see one.

We are collectively in a very particular part of a transformation process known for its incredibly technical term: "the middle."

The beginning of a transformation starts with awareness.

The awareness tells us that old story is no longer acceptable.

The end of course is beautiful butterfly.

But. The new story is not yet here. No butteryfly.

From that place of awareness and rejection of the old, we enter "the middle" which is where we are today. We're not a caterpillar anymore. And we're not a butterfly yet. We're in the cocoon phase. It may look and feel like nothing is going on, but massive changes are happening.

This transformation is happening at the societal level. We are collectively rejecting the old stories. We have ideas and visions for what the new stories could look like. We want to be there. And yet we're not.

Interestingly and not surprisingly, I find myself in the middle (to end, hopefully?) of a personal transformation, and the company I just started working with also happens to be in the middle. Old story no longer serves. New story not yet here.

In a world of an ever increasing desire for instant gratification, it's critical to understand that there are no shortcuts in transformation. Trust me. I've tried. And failed. Many times.

We are in the middle. Trust that massive changes are happening. Be patient and loving with ourselves and those who haven't spent as much time in the cocoon. Continue to put in the work so that we can emerge anew as a beautiful butterfly.

How the hell am I still a beginner?

"I was only 44 years old at the time, so I still had a lot to learn."

That statement is attributed to Bob Iger, the former CEO of Disney (and apparently the CEO again).

"That’s another thing you learn in your 60s..."

That's from Bob's interview with Tim Ferriss. The entire Tim Ferriss interview is amazing and worth a listen. It starts with the Pixar deal when Iger called up Jobs with a "crazy idea" and ended up in a boardroom alone with Steve and a markerboard where Steve torn the idea to absolute shreads. Spoiler alert: Iger still got the deal done. Like a boss.

I don't know very much about him, and there's certainly some criticism against against him, but he's pulled off some wildly impressive things at the helm of Disney. Pixar acquisition. Marvel acquisition. Starwars acquisition. In a world of so many botched M&A deals, he hit 3 grand slam home runs.

Here I am, 37.58 years old, thinking that I'm starting to figure some things out. And Iger is over there with a beginner's mindset in his 60s -- AS THE CEO OF DISNEY.

I very much believe a key element to the path to mastery the beginner's mindset.

I've been practicing yoga multiple times a week for 3 years, and I realize every day how much I have to learn. I've been building tech products for almost a decade, and it's humbling how much I don't know. Hell, today I struggled with properly opening up a milk carton. A few years ago, I realized I was tying my shoes incorrectly.

I appreciate the inspiration from Bob. I can't wait to see how much I'll still have to learn a decade from now.

Why is wearing shoes the best starting point?

I have a bad habit that I'm ready to admit. I buy more books than I have been able to read. My book buying eyes are bigger than my book consuming stomach.

I've got some amazing books sitting on my bookshelf collecting dust. One way I have compensated for this in the past is by selecting the smaller, quick reads over the meaty, dense books. That didn't feel good and once I became aware of this, I started picking monsters. The 512 page, uber dense "Ascent of Humanity" by Charles Eisenstein is the current beast.

I'm only 32 pages into this slow-going journey, and I've already found some powerful nuggets, and the groundwork is being laid out for a fundamental paradigm shift.

A beautiful quote from the book: "Seek not to cover the world in leather — just wear shoes." That of course is not the actual quote. I had to dig deeper which of course slows down the reading even further, but I'm glad I did to find the source.

"Where would there be leather enough to cover the entire world? With just the leather of my sandals, it is as if the whole world were covered. Likewise, I am unable to restrain external phenomena, but I shall restrain my own mind. What need is there to restrain anything else?" — an 8th-century Indian Buddhist scholar Shantideva

Entrepreneurs see the world and the future through a different lens. They have a vision for what is possible and are able to see situations and people better and greater than they currently are. While I believe being an optimist is a competitive advantage for entrepreneurs, this quote feels like a nice counter-balance.

Start within first. If you want to change the world, change yourself first. Start with the man in the mirror.

Even if I don't ever get past page 32, I'm jazzed about this quote. In order to have the massive impact in the world that I believe is possible, I'll start by putting on my own shoes first.

How can I view myself from a higher perspective?

During a conversation at dinner last night, we stumbled upon a place that we all know is true: it is easier to see blind spots and opportunties for others than it is for ourselves.

While this is the core foundation of coaching and outside leadership, there is so much value to cultivating that skill internally as well. One of my main goals in working with leaders is to help them improve their self-assessment and understand what can be seen so easily from the outside.

This ties directly in with my favorite principle from Ray Dalio's book:

"Look at the machine from a higher level."

If we use Ray's analogy of our bodies as machines, we have a higher self that has the ability to write the code and make the decisions for this machine. Other times though, we let the machine overwrite the rules. We may have too much to drink, skip the gym, not get enough sleep, procrastinate at work on something important. Our higher self knows that all of these things are in our long term best interest, but the machine responds with a hard "Nope!"

How can I best design the system so that the machine is happy, satisfied, and satiated while allowing my higher self to be running the show?

It starts with a radical self-assessment and understanding the wants, needs and desires of the machine. If I neglect the human for long enough in pursuit of the path of the higher self, the human revolts and things break down. That's how I've tended to operate in the past. Long periods of high accomplishment followed by the crash.

Once I intimately understand the machine, it is then possible to design a life that allows the machine to feel like it's getting everything it wants while operating from the higher self.

I realized that this is a pretty far out there concept, and I'm still at the beginning steps of embracing this myself. I look forward to sharing more as I find the symphonic balance between the machine and the higher self.