Why is empathy so mischievous?

I used to believe that I was highly skilled in empathy. I was delusional.

I have always been a great listener which allows people to feel safe with me. I could cognitively understand how a person might feel and even be able to reflect that back to them in a way that they could feel seen. People really value this and it’s rare these days, but this is still surface level empathy.

The next level of empathy is to fully understand and share the feelings of another person on an emotional level. Truly take on their perspective as if it were your own.

I never felt safe enough for this. If I didn’t like their worldview or what they were feeling or experiencing, I could connect with them, but I’d keep them at a distance. If their beliefs conflicted with mine, I’d listen to them but then pretty quickly dismiss those beliefs. I didn’t want to drink what they were drinking and as a result was never able to fully connect.

This deeper level of empathy is tough. It’s vulnerable. It’s nuanced. It challenges our own beliefs. It requires us to be fully present with ourselves and another. And it demands emotional courage.

I wasn’t ready for this before, but this is my journey now.