Why do I have a love / hate relationship with my own blood?

I just donated blood on Monday night. The whole process is uncomfortable for me, and yet I keep going back. Here's why.

Back in 2011, Joe Yevoli started the NYC Tech Blood Drive. He had such a compelling, inspiring and tragic story behind why he was organizing the blood drive that I instantly signed up.

(The story is still up on the web if want to read it and instantly feel peer-pressured into donating yourself).

Even though the NYC Tech Blood Drives are a thing of the past, I've been donating as regularly as I could ever since. And I'll tell you a little secret. After all these years, I still don't enjoy the process.

One time, a woman at the front desk asked me what I wanted to donate. Cluelessly I responded by asked them what they needed. She told me that I qualify for a special type of donation called a Double Red Blood Cell donation.

"Great, let's do it!" with no idea what this meant.

Basically, they draw your blood, separate the red blood cells and pump the plasma and platelets back into you so that they can collect even more red blood cells. It's so intense on the body that I'm only able to donate once every 16 weeks (as opposed to every 8 weeks for a regular donation). I don't recommend it, but also look at it as a personal physical challenge.

For those of you who didn't pay enough attention in biology like me, red blood cells carry oxygen throughout the body to the organs and tissues. An after affect of donating that much red blood cells for me personally is that I have to take it easy for a few days afterwards, and I don't like not being at full strength.

But.

My single donation every 4 months is enough for 2 live saving blood transfusions. On top of that, every 2 seconds in the US someone needs blood to survive, and 1 in 3 people need a lifesaving transfusion during their lifetime. There's a lot of talk about impact and improving lives in the tech and entrepreneurship worlds, and this is the most tangible and simple way I've found to directly create that impact.

So whatever short term annoyances I have to deal with by being temporarily slowed down feels totally worth it. If you're in a position to spare some extra blood, please find some time to donate!

Is it ok to feel sad?

I used to be completely closed off from all of my emotions (it's a longer story for another time). For the last 18 months or so, I've been working on expanding my emotional range more and more every day.

With the world on fire, my country being on the brink of an unnecessary war and so many other tragic things seemingly happening all at once, it's a lot to take in.

I feel sad.

I feel sad for the people of Australia. And for the animals on that continent who are being devastated. And all the families and loved ones who suffer the endless casualties of war. And for the poor. And for the ill. And the people facing discrimination. And. And. And. Even writing this I feel myself going down a spiral so I'm going to stop there.

And it's real. It's ok to be sad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or whatever other emotion may be coming up for you me at this moment.

Even as I started writing the title of post, I had a moment where I decided to postpone writing this until some point in the future. I don't want to write this tonight I said to myself very unconvincingly, and that's when I knew I had to write this now.

I used to think of sadness as a sign of weakness or some other bullshit. Emotions - bah, that's some sissy stuff. Not for me, who needs 'em, I would say. I would put my head down and work harder. Or just as bad, drink enough alcohol to make it go away for a while. Or use any other distraction to completely check out instead of feeling my feelings.

And while ignore was bliss for me for a very long time, I'm now aware of how much of the world, the light and the dark and every color in between, I was missing by being so closed.

I feel sad, and that's ok. I will still wake up tomorrow morning ready to spread light and continue building a more beautiful world.

How could I forget about the greatness of Jay-Z?

A while back, most of Jay-Z’s songs were removed from Spotify in a move to promote a competitive music streaming service.

After the initial disappointment of losing him on Spotify, it became out of site, out of mind. When Jay released a new album, it was again a minor inconvenience, but I found ways to listen to it without signing up for the new service (YouTube - ugh).

A few days ago Jay-Z made a glorious return to Spotify, and it’s been the only thing I’ve listened to since it happened. I forgot how much I appreciate his songs and the absence has me in full Hova mode.

I get the marketing and promotional reasoning behind it, but it was painful for me as a connoisseur of the jigga-man. Maybe it was a home run for the competitor, but I’d much rather see deals that are good for all parties involved. Figure out ways to make it a win for the fans, the artists, the streaming services, the labels, everyone.

Anyways, it’s good to have Jay back on Spotify where I can once again admire all the greatness that he has created.

What if I didn’t accomplish anything?

There are times when I lay down at night and think:

“What did I actually accomplish today?”

Some nights, it comes easy while others might be a struggle. Then there are days like today where I really didn’t accomplish very much.

I didn’t move my business forward in any tangible way. I didn’t generate any new revenue. I didn’t create value for clients or the marketplace.

In the past, this might have been a big disappointment. But that's life. Not all days are going to be perfectly optimized up-and-to-the-right.

Also. There are things that are far more important checking the box of accomplishment for the day. Health. Family. Those come first. Today was a day for those.

I no longer have any negative reaction or judgement towards myself on those days where my accomplishment box does not overflowth. When it happens, it happens. I go to bed looking forward to what goodness tomorrow has in store for me.

What if I don't live forever?

There was a time. Not too long ago. That I was jealous of vampires. Not because of the Twilight sex appeal or the badassery in True Blood. But because vampires have a virtually unlimited time to accomplish things that are important to them.

WIth an investment horizon of a few hundred years, accumulating vast wealth through compound interest might as well be a certainty. Taking 30 years to master a new skill is a drop in the bucket.

It's a strange thought, I know, but there was a lot that I was hoping to accomplish and one lifetime didn't seem like enough.

Over the last few years, this all began to shift.

I am very much at peace with my life. At the age of 37, I feel like I have accomplished everything I need to and yet I'm also just getting started. If I leave this planet tomorrow, so be it. Life well lived. If I live to 111, fantastic, compound interest to the moon and back.

There's a beautiful scene from the show Newsroom in which the wise, old boss says to the main character:

"On the off chance that you're not going to live forever, why not take a shot a being happy now?"

When I first watched that scene, that line hit me harder than I can properly express in words at this moment.

And honestly, that's a much closer reflection of where I'm at today than being jealous of vampires.

Yes, I believe there is so much left in the tank for me to create, produce, build, manifest, explore and experience, and yet it's already been one hell of a run. I'm going to follow this path wherever it takes me and do my best to enjoy every moment along the way.