How has my unconscious privilege and going to jail altered my life trajectory?

I'm going to share a story from my past that very few people have ever heard.

It's the most dark moment of my life. And it's clear to me that if I wasn't white, I could be dead or my life could have been ruined.

But because I'm white, particularly a white male born in the United States, almost no one has ever heard what I'm about to share and it's had virtual no external impact on my life whatsoever.

It starts as many of the stories from this time of my life begin... I had consumed a tremendous amount of alcohol.

Many of the actual details are lost to me or hazy at best, so I'll only share the facts that I know with certainty and pieces that were later discovered.

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In February 2005, I was arrested in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

I've never considered the impact of my privilege regarding the events in New Orleans up until these past few days. I've long known that I benefit from my privilege each and every single day, but it's mostly felt intangible and unconcious. I know it's there, but I can't actually comprehend what life would be like if I weren't a straight, white male living in the US so I just go about my day.

There's something about these past few days though that felt like too much. "Really? In the middle of a global pandemic with so much pain and suffering, we're still going to be racist murders. We're still going to tell people they don't belong or call the cops knowing what that means. Really?" And I guess that's part of my privilege that I thought that somehow there's an off switch. Like it isn't happening right now because there's other things happening in the world.

Here's a story of my privilege and how the entire trajectory of my life could be so drastically different if it weren't for the color of my skin.

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When I said I was arrested during Mardi Gras, it's easy to pass that off as being a drunk college kid charged for drinking in public when everyone is drinking in public. That's the story that I used, and it worked. But that's not what actually happened.

I was arrested for public intoxication, resisting arrest and assaulting an officer(s).

I was so drunk that it's unclear what actually went down, but here's what I pieced together.

I drank myself into a blackout state. Not uncommon for me at that time. I was wandering Bourbon Street at night by myself. It was incredibly crowded in the streets, obviously. Cars were trying to get through, but weren't really moving.

I ended up on the hood of a car (don't know if I was pushed, fell, or jumped on there myself).

Next thing I recall, I was fully restrained, face down and pepper sprayed.

I was put into the back seat of a normal civilian car, which just so happened to belong to the hood that I had landed on. The owner of this vehicle was an off duty cop who was out with another off duty cop enjoying themselves during the festivities like the rest of us. They were on their way home for the night when I happen to land on their car.

At this point, I realized I there was significant blood flowing from my head and nose and I couldn't do anything to stop it because my hands were handcuffed behind me. My level of intoxication transformed into, FUCK, this isn't good and I need to figure out a way to get myself out of this.

During my long ride in the back of their car on my way to the hospital, I was able to piece together more of what happened. As it turns out, the one off duty officer was actually really nice, and we talked at length about how we were both terrible surfers and our brothers were much better than us. I was certain at this point that I could talk my way out of this. That turned out not to be the case.

Here's what I came to understand about what happened.

When I landed on their hood, these two men got out of the car and attempted to restrain me. I was not interested in any part of that. They said they identified themselves as officers and were wearing their badges around their necks, but they were also in plain clothes, in a civilian car and had mountains of beads around their necks. It was also so loud that I either didn't hear them say they were officers or didn't care. I fought back. They kicked my ass. My head appear to be dragged along pavement, glasses broken, nose bleeding, and a lot of pepper spray into the mouth, eyes and nose.

There's a tremendous story in itself about the next 20 hours that I spent in the Orleans Parish Prison, which is ranked as one of the 10 worst prisons in the country. I'll save that for another time as it's not relevant right now, but share that I watched the Fat Tuesday parades on the community TV with the other prisoners who were in there for a long time.

When I appeared before the judge to face my sentencing, I was able to get the resisting arrest and assaulting an officer charges dropped.

After college when I had to have a background check to get my Series 7 license to work at an international bank, I brushed off the incident as being arrested during Mardi Gras for public intoxication. Everyone drinks in public, I said. They agreed.

To be perfectly clear, I hold no resentment towards those officers who whooped on me. I was too intoxicated to have any idea what actually happened. The amount of force that was used could have absolutely been warrented. In my situation. But so many others weren't so lucky to walk away with only their pride being hurt or some head injuries that heal in a few weeks.

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As I sit here today, thinking about how people who were born with the same color skin as me get away with murder and ruin the lives of people who don't have the same color skin as me, recalling this story helps me begin to understand a tiny fraction of the privilege I have directly benefited from.

Could I have been killed as a result of landing on that hood? Certainly black people have been murdered for less. Would that judge have dropped those other charges if I weren't white? Who knows. Would my employer have agreed to write off that arrest? Maybe.

But maybe not.

The fact that I'm able to sit here and tell this story about my privilege from my living room couch, healthy and with food on my table during a global pandemic, feels like a blessing that I did little to deserve. I was born to two white parents in the United States during the greatest time to be alive. My hood incident had virtually no negative impact on where I am today, and yet there are countless examples of people's lives being completely devastated for so much less. There is so much of my privilege that I'm oblivious to and am doing my best to become more self-aware each and every day.

I will continue to use my voice and my actions to help those who weren't born into such privilege. And even though I feel like whatever I do will never be enough in this regard, I will continue be a friend, an ally, a brother, a business partner and a supporter wherever I can to stand shoulder to shoulder as we fix a broken system together.

What do I do with this overwhelm?

I've been feeling the sadness, pain, frustration, loss and helplessness. Today especially.

At the macro level for the planet and humanity.

At the micro level for all those most directly affected.

We have to do better.

For our brothers and sisters. Mothers and fathers. Sons and daughters. For all the future generations.

We are failing at so many levels right now.

When I really allow myself to feel these feeling, it is quite overwhelming.

I do my best to turn that overwhelm into fuel.

Find the gift. Focus on what I can control. Support what I want more of in the world. And get back to work creating, improving, inspiring and building.

Why has writing become a critical part of the process?

Back on February 26th, I published my first public Thought related to the Coronavirus. "How Should I Prepare?" was an insight into my thinking about why it felt important to take some small steps to start preparing for a myriad of possible events.

A day earlier, I sent a tweet that my friends who were doctors and nurses laughed at the idea when I asked them if we should start preparing for the virus.

(Side note: this is my favorite on-going tweet thread which I continue to add to any time I find amazing things about nature and wildlife thriving during this worldwide shut down)

The reason I bring this up now is not to make any claim of Nostradamus status. Far from it. I bring it up because I'm glad I published those Thoughts and tweets even though some of them seemed ridiculous. With so much chaos, it brings me some joy that I still published a few things.

It greatly helps me to refine my thinking and decision engine to look back on posts from a few weeks or months ago, let alone the treasure chest of mostly not-so-great posts I have going back to 2012.

And as I'm laying in bed on a Sunday night, realizing that I've only published a small handful of Thoughts over the last month, having a strong desire to give my past self a swift talking to, I know that my future self will greatly appreciate a stronger dedication to writing more consistently.

And so it will be. See you tomorrow world. As I continue to document the process of what it's like to be John during the global pandemic of 2020.

As always, my hope is that my Thoughts bring you some tiny nuggest of wisdom, open you up to a unique perspective or even provide you with some momentary distraction and entertainment with my shenanigans, but really we all know I'm just writing this for Future John :)

How should I prepare?

I've been thinking about the topic of preparation a lot these past few days.

At a fundamental level, I always want to be prepared and never be caught completely off-guard, but there's also limits to that.

I'm in the early stages of bringing a new company into this world, and people expect me to be prepared. Business model, financial projections, growth assumptions, risk analysis, hiring plan. Think through all of the questions ahead of time and be prepared to talk about all of it.

With leadership, one of my favorite tools is to mentally prepare for all possible scenarios.

I find it fascinating to see how people are approaching the coronavirus. It seems that preparation is scoffed at or completely written off. It reminds me a lot of what happens when a major hurricane or blizzard is approaching.

We don't know with any certainty what the impact of the coronavirus will be here in the US, and anyone (including the President) who says otherwise is misleading at best. There's predictive models that show that a majority of Americans will be infected with the virus overwhelming the healthcare infrastructure at all levels. And there's models that show all that impact could be virtually negligible. Maybe the storm blows out to sea or maybe the eye of the storm stalls right on top of us.

In this situation, I will feel better by preparing to not have to leave the apartment for a few weeks. Do I think that is probable? No. Do I think it's within the realm of possibility? Absolutely. Is the minimal effort of extra food and supply shopping a worthy trade-off of time? Most definitely.

I was caught completely off guard for Hurricane Sandy. On the night that Sandy was going to hit our area, we had a party with some neighbors and woke up the next morning to celebrate with banana pancakes in a sort of mocking fashion. For over 3 weeks after that, I was left without power, heat or hot water. For the first few days, I was fortunate enough to be able to charge my phone in my car which required me to sit on a line for gas for over 2 hours. Otherwise I would have lost communication with the outside world.

Fortunately, with Hurricane Sandy, for most of us, it was a non-life threatening situation. Yes, there was a lot of property damage and personal inconveniences. With the conoravirus, it could be much, much worse.

I don't want to be an alarmist or tell you how you should or should not prepare. As with most things, I believe it's best to have as much information as possible and make a decision based on what is right for you. Here's a great starting point to do your own research.

When is it not time for tea?

If you know me, you know I love my tea time. And accordingly, this is my new favorite anology.

There is a large portion of the influencer world that consists entirely of recycling the same positive messages and quotes. “Yay. You got this. You are wonderful. Everything is perfect.”

Of course I’m exaggerating, but maybe not by all that much.

I now imagine these influencers on rollercoaster causally sipping some tea with their pinky up as the cart slowly clicks up the track, building more and more potential energy for the big drop.

“What a beautiful day it is.” ~sip~ “The birds are chirping and the squirrels are so playful.” ~sip~ “Oh, what a beautiful view from up here.” ~sip~

Then WHOOSH!

“HOOOOOOOOOO”

“LEEEEEEEEEEEE”

“SHHHHHHHHHHH”

“IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT”

Ride stops. Heart pounding. Hair definitely not instagram ready. Completely empty tea cup.

While I certainly don’t wish the rollercoaster on anyone, we all know it’s part of life. Let’s not pretend that it’s all sunshine and butterflies all the time. The positivity and positive mental talk is so important, and we also have to be real.

When you’re buckled up in your cart heading up the first hill of a rollercoaster, do yourself a favor and put the tea away. Perhaps, take some time to enjoy the wonderful new views or use it as an opportunity to see how stable you can keep you hear rate while pulling some g’s around the loops.

But clearly, rollercoasters aren’t the best time for tea.