How do I expedite the no's?

I'm skipping over the part where we accept and embrace the fact that we are going to receive boatloads of no's in our adventures. That's a given.

Taking that a step further, we want to get through all of the no's as quickly as possible so that the yes's come through loud and clear.

I'm an optimizer and am always looking for greater efficiency. By expediting the no's, I can save lifetimes of maybes, time wasting, mental energy, stress and disappointment. Give me the "fuck yes, or no" as Mark Manson so eloquently put it.

Whether it's about hiring, fund raising, dating, where to eat dinner, or even (especially) what idea or business to start, it's our job to clear out all of the no's. We live in a world of virtually unlimited choices where we can spend 40 minutes scrolling through Netflix with a bunch of maybes. Stop that. If it's not a complete and total yes, it's a no.

Something might not be a no forever, but if it's a no right now, be thankful for the no and move on. If it's meant to be a yes later on, it'll find a way.

The best way to expedite the no's is to ask the really difficult questions that cut through all the pleasantries. If you know what you want, ask for that up front regardless of how awkward it might be. You'll save everyone involved lots of time and that's way more valuable than a few moments of difficult conversation.

Steve Schlafman has a simple and powerful way to do this when pitching investors. Ask them directly, "What are your concerns about our business?” You cut through lots of fat with that question. It's our goal to find questions like this in all that we do.

Give me all the damn no's until there are no no's left. Then the beautiful yes's can shine down upon us.

Why do I seek out difficult conversations?

This might sound counter intuitive at first, but I have found that a measuring stick for the greatness of a leader can be marked by the number of difficult conversations that they've had.

A first tendency could be to think that the best leaders aren't having very many difficult conversations at all. They are incredible visionaries who avoid all obstacles and conflicts. They are fully pre-emptive in everything that they do. All sunshine and rainbows.

We know that is not true.

Being a great leader is measured in how we perform in the good times and the bad and everything in between. And one of the most important things a leader can do is to always be willing to have the difficult conversations. Say what needs to be said with no fear or hesitancy of the challenging aspects of these conversations.

It's not easy, especially in the beginning, to always be the one who is saying the things that need to be said, and yet it is so critically important to the impact and success of a leader. It takes courage. It takes a certain level of detachment from how the leader may be perceived in the short term. And it takes a willingness to ruffle some feathers to help ensure the highest possible outcomes.

The best leaders I know are actively seeking out the difficult conversations. These conversations are wide ranging:

• With a team member who may be upset about something
• With a client who is angry with how they've been treated
• With a prospect who is going to go with a competitor
• With an investor who has some critical feedback on growth
• With a family member who is doing something hurtful
• With a significant other when there is some form disagreement

The list goes on and on. The way to the best results and biggest impact is through these difficult conversations. Once we have opened up a safe space for people to say what isn't being said, we can embrace it head on. Otherwise, these things may linger in the background leading to assured destruction: either through catastrophic damage or a slow drip of degradation of quality or engagement that corrupts everything it touches.

When we open up space for these conversations, it has the opportunity to move the relationship forward in leaps and bounds. It also has the possibility to end a relationship that is no longer aligned. And while that might not feel so good at first, it is way better to be open and honest and say what needs to be said rather than pretending everything is fine.

As leaders, we want to know these things so that we can take action. Armed with the knowledge of the unspoken, we can properly steer the ship. Otherwise, we are guessing, second-guessing and making assumptions.

In my personal experience, these difficult conversations do not get easier. They are always difficult, hence the name. What does happen though is we get more skillful in our approach, in our delivery, in reaching our desired outcomes. And the only way to build that skill is through getting in more reps.

The best leaders are the ones who have had the most difficult conversations and are well versed in cutting through the bullshit and speaking the unspoken.

Please don't artificially manufacture difficult conversations if there's nothing there. There will be plenty of opportunties to practice this as step into our role as leaders. Just be ready to face them head on when they arise.

How do I respond?

Today is the day when most people's New Year's Resolutions kick in. Enjoy the holiday on the first. Start on the second.

And inevitably, there will be people who break their resolutions today or tomorrow or next week or next month. Whenever. Doesn't matter. It happens.

Some people say that resolutions are bullshit, and instead create goals for the year or a vision board or roadmap. Some people want to cultivate lifestyle changes. Call it what you want. For this conversation, let's just say that there's something that wants to be accomplished.

I know this goes against positive psychology and doesn't look pretty in fancy type on instagram, but it has served me well in the past:

Fail in advance.

Allow yourself to fail, even if it's only in your mind, so you can take a look at how you respond. That's where the juicy stuff is.

If and when you don't stick to your resolution every single day for 365 days, what do you do the next day? Do you give up? Oh well, nice try, maybe next year lol. Or do you get right back on the wagon? Or do you double down the next day to make up for it?

This comes from one of my favorite leadership lessons.

A leader has already thought about all possible outcomes in advance so that they aren't taken by surprise and can act accordingly. The best leaders are the ones who always seem in control no matter what chaos my arise, and a cheat code for this is to experience all of the feelings and emotions around each possible situation in advance. It's not easy or for the faint-hearted, but is a gamechanger.

There's also another nice bonus to failing in advance.

It gives you permission to not have to be perfect.

The need to be perfect adds a whole lot of pressure. Yes, some people actively seek that pressure and perform better that way, so if that's you, proceed as you were. For the rest of us, we've got enough other things happening in life that adding this desire to be perfect just complicates things further.

So what if you caved and ate a chocolate bar one night or you missed a day of meditation? Life doesn't end there. Know in advance what you'll do after this happens and you can respond accordingly.

What have I learned from Harry Potter and Bugs Bunny about decision making?

For a hypothetical argument's sake, let's roll with the assumption that everyone is making the best decisions that they can with the information that they have in the moment. Most people, most of the time, aren't making decisions that they think are bad or wrong. We're all doing the best we can with what we got.

If we truly believe that, there's an awful lot of space for us to invite in compassion, sympathy, forgiveness and empathy when we make decisions that doesn't work out.

We make a decision. It works out. Or it doesn't. And we move on from there.

Instead, it's easier to get caught up in the opposite direction: second guessing, regret, remorse, resentment, finger pointing, blame and over thinking our past decisions. I made the decision. The best I could at the time. And now I want to use new information to make the best decision I can in this new moment.

A cool little plot device in The Half-Blooded Prince (one of my favorite Harry Potter books) is a magical potion called Felix Felicis. From the Harry Potter Wiki:

"Felix Felicis, also called "Liquid Luck", is a magical potion that makes the drinker lucky for a period of time, during which everything they attempt will be successful. It turns an ordinary day into an extraordinary one."

Harry successfully uses it towards the end of the book and has the ultimate trust in his own judgement and decision making. Harry also tricks Ron earlier in the book into thinking that Ron drank the potion before a big Quidditch match. This helps Ron get out of his own head and lead his team to victory. It has striking similarities to "Michael's Secret Stuff" in the Space Jam movie where Bugs Bunny tricks his teammates into drinking water thinking that it makes them better basketball players.

Harry and Bugs both know the power of the placebo affect. Science has proven that our brains can convince our body that a fake treatment is the real thing.

If given the opportunity and no side effects, we all would be walking around like Harry after he takes the potion. After he consumes the potion, he seemingly makes a bizarre decision and responds. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing... or at least, Felix does."

And so, that is the confidence and trust I want to cultivate in my own decision making. Mentally, I know I'm making the best decision I can in the moment, but it's oh so easy to forgot.

As a fun little hack, I've labeled my water bottle Felix Felicis. From now on, every morning when I wake up and drink water, I'll be reinforcing a little luck and magical thinking into my decision making.

Why is Alignment so important?

If you asked me 5 years ago to define alignment, I probably would have said something about the wizardry of a chiropractor. And then a series of unaligned events took place and one actual wizard appeared in my life.

Since then, I've been obsessed with Alignment.

Here's a wonderful quote I saw today:

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life. Think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.” – Swami Vivekananda

The way that I think about Alignment these days is a strange and involves some engineering.

Whether its the Alignment of a team or just our internal Alignment within our own mind and body, I like this metaphor. Picture a bunch of row boats towing a much larger boat. Now imagine only 10% of those boats are rowing in the direction you want to go and the rest are either not rowing at all, rowing in their own direction or worst of all rowing in the opposite direction. In this case, you are not moving that large boat very fast if at all, and the 10% rowing won't stick around for very long.

I think about the metaphor probably every day. I've been on teams like that where everyone is rowing in their own direction. I've had times where internally I've been rowing in different directions. And I've also seen what's possible when true Alignment happens.

This is the difference exceptional leadership can bring to the table.

When you've been in an environment of competing rowers and suddenly all the rowers are working together in synchronization and harmony, the improvement is exponential. This is the way to success.