What replaces judgement?

Judgement used to be my personal bodyguard. I would make real-time judgements of everything and everyone as a way to make sense of the world. Who was a threat, who was an ally, who knew their shit and who was faking it.

Judgement was a skill that I had practiced all the time and gotten quite good at it. It helped me read the room, close sales, lead teams effectively, anticipate and generally operate in the world.

But.

I was delivered some harsh truths from some dear friends.

In a surprise to almost no one but me, these judgements were not well received by those closest to me and as a result caused people to never truly feel safe with me.

Huge eye opener for me. And one that I’m still working through to be honest. It was my default way of understanding everything and everyone, and it was holding me back.

Judgement served me well, but it is time for a serious upgrade. From the world of Ken Wilber and Integral theory, my goal with judgement is not to eliminate it or make it wrong, but rather to transcend and include it. How can I make room for that judgement but do so with love and compassion?

As I piece this all together in this moment of writing, there is no need to replace judgement. It can still have its place and its purpose. But when I use that as my default and only strategy for how to view the world and build relationships, it no longer works (and never really worked to be honest).

By allowing judgement to be there but not run the show, I need new strategies. I’ve started to look towards a combination of curiosity, inquiry, empathy, discernment, intuition, kindness and love. This is going to take time and I’m so incredibly grateful for those who are patient and supportive on me on this journey.

Can I practice even when everything sucks?

It’s easy to commit to a practice when things are going well.

The times I fail is when shit gets messy: being under-resourced, angry, sad, upset, distracted, bored, exhausted.

Practicing, building new habits and making change when it’s hard is the real jam. How do we show up when it’s tough?

I’m writing this morning’s Thought even though my mind is distracted. Even though my ideas are jumbled and not as clear as yesterday. Wake up, write post. That’s my practice. Everything else is just noise until this is done.

The single most important change I’ve made in my relationship to practice is to triple down when things are not great. I have compassion for myself and not wanting to lean in, and I tap into my resiliency knowing that this too is just a passing phase.

Maybe tomorrow it’ll be easy again and my thoughts won’t feel so forced. Maybe not. Regardless, I’ll still be here putting in the work.

Why is empathy so mischievous?

I used to believe that I was highly skilled in empathy. I was delusional.

I have always been a great listener which allows people to feel safe with me. I could cognitively understand how a person might feel and even be able to reflect that back to them in a way that they could feel seen. People really value this and it’s rare these days, but this is still surface level empathy.

The next level of empathy is to fully understand and share the feelings of another person on an emotional level. Truly take on their perspective as if it were your own.

I never felt safe enough for this. If I didn’t like their worldview or what they were feeling or experiencing, I could connect with them, but I’d keep them at a distance. If their beliefs conflicted with mine, I’d listen to them but then pretty quickly dismiss those beliefs. I didn’t want to drink what they were drinking and as a result was never able to fully connect.

This deeper level of empathy is tough. It’s vulnerable. It’s nuanced. It challenges our own beliefs. It requires us to be fully present with ourselves and another. And it demands emotional courage.

I wasn’t ready for this before, but this is my journey now.

Is it becoming more difficult to focus?

We have enough evidence to clearly and unequivocally say that we are more distracted as a society than ever before.

Unlimited streaming options, swiping options, social platforms, content creators, influencers, video games, educational content, workout videos, cooking videos, blogs, microblogs, doomscrolling, polarization, notifications about notifications, environmental catastrophes, economic crisis de jour. You name it, we’ve got it. And we’ve got it way more intense than ever before.

More distractions leads to increasing difficulty to focus.

But.

We have better tools than ever to build our focus muscle.

And therein lies the choice. There is no neutral when it comes to our ability to focus. Facebook and Netflix have armies of engineers hacking your brain. Your entropy is their gain.

If I accept that society is engaging in an all out battle for my attention, focus is rapidly becoming a super power and a game that I am committed to winning.

What is my relationship to time?

The combination of the new year and recently turning 40 has guided my mind to wander to many fascinating places.

Leaving aside the philosophical debates about time being a fundamental aspect of the universe vs. a human construct without an objective reality, I’ve been most curious with my personal relationship and beliefs around time.

In the past, I have blamed “time” for things that did not live up to my expectations instead of taking responsibility for my actions. All of these have been there for me at some point:

• “There wasn’t enough time to get it all done”

• “I need more hours in the day”

• “I wish we had more time together”

• “Time is working against me”

Every one of those statements was me being a victim of time. While time may be a constraint or a consideration, it was never the root cause. Perhaps prioritization, planning, executing, motivation, organization, or procrastination, but not the fault of time. Time just does its thing and is (relatively, probably) constant for all of us.

My intention is to hold time as precious and sacred, and if I really go deep, as the most beautiful aspect of the human existence. Not a scapegoat for my shortcomings.

I have all the time I need. I am a master allocator of my time. And I choose moment to moment how to best utilize the time that I have.