What happens when I continue to surrender?

Surrender was the theme for me in 2019. It was a wild year filled with some amazing experiences and some major headaches. It required massive amounts of trust, moment to moment, to continue to surrender in the face of uncertainty. I’m glad I followed that thread for the year to show me what I need to be shown and learn what I needed to learn.

And while surrender is no longer the major theme, it is something that I have incorporated into who I am and how I show up.

These past few weeks have required me to tap back into that surrender mode in a major way.

My father has scheduled heart surgery and was admitted to the hospital on January 27. The surgery itself went smooth, but then there were complications that showed up just as he was about to be released. Tomorrow will mark 4th week of him being in the hospital, and the new plan is that he’ll be released sometime during the middle of this week.

I feel incredibly grateful that he will be walking away from this at all, because not everyone does.

I also have seen the stress that this has put on my father, my family and me. I have also seen a major transformation in him from frantically trying to convince everyone to let him go home, to becoming very accepting that he is still there for a reason.

It has been exhausting for all of us, and we’re looking forward to him coming home soon, whenever that will be.

It’s presented me with the opportunity to bring surrender back into the mix for me. I mostly haven’t written anything here while this was going down. I’ve had to put some things on pause professionally. And I’m fully on board with all of that. I’m listening to what is being shown to me moment by moment. I’ve become laser focused on the true priorities during this time, and it felt so aligned.

While I missed you all and writing regularly, I’m glad I was able to surrender. As much as I enjoy the time I spent writing, I never want to force that time. If there’s ever a pause or an extended break in between posts, know that listening to what’s coming up for me and that I’ll be back to bring the fire soon enough.

What is the most swagger version of me?

One night, many years ago, I was out drinking with some friends.

Most of our group decided to call it a night. I was particularly feeling it this night, so I convinced one friend to continue the adventure with me. I'm sure glad he was there to witness it. This is a bit of a strange story, but I assure you, it's 100% real and has a point to it :)

I don't see this friend too often these days, but every time I do, he still reminds me of this night.

To set expectations, this isn't some crazy drinking story. I have an almost unlimited supply of drunken antics and WTF stories from back in the day, but this isn't one of them.

After our friends called it a night, we decided to move to a new bar. We ended up at an overly crowded bar were we had to fight to get the bartenders attention. That's when it happened.

As my friend recalls, he had never seen anything like it. Women just kept coming up to me and offering to buy me drinks. I didn't pay for a drink the entire time we were there. My friend, who is normally much more social and is a very good looking guy, spent the night in awe of what was happening and enjoyed the free drinks.

As my friend shared the story in amazement with the rest of the group who had bailed early, I struggled to figure out how it all happened or what was different that night. To be clear, this was certainly not a normal occurrence.

Looking back now, I have a greater understanding of the magic of that night.

When we are fully aligned and authentic, we radiate a different light and vibration. Most people, most of the time, don't have a frame of reference for this higher frequency and as a result become very attracted to this light. That night in Hoboken, NJ, I ever so briefly tapped into that higher level.

There's a fascinating story about when Marilyn Monroe brought this to life. Marilyn was walking around NYC with the wife of her personal photographer, and she was enjoying herself because the people in New York didn't recognize her like they did in Hollywood. That's when she turned to the wife and said, "Do you want to see me become her?" And like magic, Marilyn flipped on this switch and instantly everyone started recognizing her.

Such an incredible awareness of the power of that light. I've seen this light in others at times and have had rare moments where I've embodied it myself.

As I recalled both of these stories, I started to ask myself, what is the version of me that has access to that frequency? Who is THAT person and how do they show up? While I'm not sure any of us will ever be able to flip on a switch like Marilyn, I would love to integrate more of that magnetic energy in everything I do.

I don't fully have these answers yet, but there's one thing that jumped out to me. I feel like the most swagger-licious version of myself when I am on a snowboard.

If we've been on a mountain together, you may have seen glimpses of this. I feel like an artist up there: effortlessly carving my masterpiece down the mountain, blazing my own trail of fresh snow with grace and ease, following the thread of whatever adventure the mountain wants to present to me, certain of the destination and completely open to the path to get there.

Part of this new identity that I'm stepping into is that of the mountain artist. Whatever that beautiful version is for all of us, the world needs that now more than ever.

What happens when I miss a step?

This morning I was rushing to get out of my parents' house to catch a bus up to NYC. I missed the bottom step of the stairs that I've walked down thousands of times in my life and down I went. Hard.

What happens when I miss a step?

I end up on my ass.

When I realize what happened, I did a quick check to recalibrate, make sure nothing was broken or injured, laughed it off and then kept going.

Why am I sharing this?

Because I have many conversations with people who are so worried that they have to be perfect.

It is easy to get caught up in this mindset. If I make one wrong step, it could ruin everything. There is real fear behind this. We've seen it happen on social media countless times. It's a part of our culture these days just as much as gifs and tik tok (can't wait to see how this reference ages in a few years).

When we are fearful that one wrong step could derail our entire lives, we don't ever take that next step.

We become stagnant. We don't move. We freeze. We allow the fear to run the show.

It's no way to live.

If we want to achieve the greatness and impact we desire in this lifetime, we have to take steps each and every day knowing that some days we're going to miss a step. We have to trust in our abilities and reflexes to keep us safe and allow us to quickly recover.

Even with the misstep and wipeout this morning, I still made the bus, my day will go on, and in very short order it will be like it never happened. On to the next one.

Why am I going all in with Mamba Time?

The news of Kobe Bryant's death hit me hard.

I want to take the space here to work through what has been coming up and why this feels like such a significant moment in time for me personally.

Kobe admittedly was not perfect, and it is entirely up to you to choose to forgive him for the things he did. Or not. It makes no difference to me which way you decide. I'm not going to say which way I fall, because it really doesn't matter for this conversation. What matters here is that Kobe has something valuable to teach me, and I can separate that lesson from the rest of his life. Just as Einstein and Jobs were geniuses, they also did things with which I fundamentally disagree. Same with Kobe.

I'm also not writing this for page views or in an attempt to capitalize in any way from this tragedy. I'm writing this now because it feels so real and raw. I'm writing this for me. As always.

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ESPN shared a video the day after the crash with the following quote from Kobe:

"I've always said that I want to be remembered as a player that didn’t waste a moment. Didn’t waste a day. I’ve felt extremely blessed with this god given talent. At the same time I didn’t take it for granted at all.

If I could be remembered as a person who was born with a lot of talent who did everything he could to overachieve and live every day as if he was 12th guy on the bench. I think that’s a very powerful message to have."

This video stopped me dead in my tracks.

Have I done everything I could to overachieve with the talent that I was given?

Absolutely not.

Gut punch.

I truly believe that I have massively underachieved compared to what is possible for me in this lifetime. I've taken my talents for granted. I've wasted more days and moments than I ever care to admit.

It makes me sick to type this out, because I know it's true. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Fuck.

That ends right now.

In future Thoughts, I'm sure I'll want to work through the situations and scenarios that led me to this moment, but this isn't the place for them. This isn't about the past. This is about owning up to wasted moments and under performance. And this is about stepping into the new me. The guy who doesn't waste a moment and does everything I can to overachieve with what I've got.

I truly believe that I have the talent to be an all time great entrepreneur and leader. But talent alone doesn't cut it. It's the moment to moment decisions and actions that make that possible. I realize how far fetched that sounds based on where I am at presently and what I've accomplished thus far. It feels like I'm playing "Horse" in the elementary school gym while talking about winning MVPs, scoring titles and multiple NBA championships.

There are similarities that are jumping out about what it takes to be an all time great at anything in life. Intense, laser-like focus on the most important thing. Incredible discipline. Leading others to elevate their game to new heights. Never wasting a moment. Sure, there are massively successful entrepreneurs who might do the opposite of some of those, but that hasn't worked for me. These are what has allowed for me to be my best for brief moments in the past, and I'm tripling down on that.

I don't yet know all of the answers of how I channel my dark energy into an alter ego like the Mamba Mentality, and I'm ok with the answers revealing themselves over time. What I do know is this.

For the next 60 days, I'm committing to Mamba Time. I've blocked off 3 hours every morning starting at 5am. I will begin each day by watching this video and then move into 1 hour of mediation, 1 hour of yoga, 1 hour of reading / writing. Every day.

At the end of 60 glorious days of Mamba Time, I'll re-evaluate. By starting each morning from this foundation, I will have set myself up powerfully to make the most of each and every moment I have on this planet and overachieve with the talent I was given.

What's been going on behind the scenes?

It's Sunday night, and I haven't written a post all week.

I haven't gone a week without at least two posts since I started writing again. And I also made a promise to myself that I wouldn't write if I had to force myself to do so. So it's been a lot of radio silence recently.

The short version of it is this:

I've been in the process of selling my apartment since the beginning of last summer. I had some major tenant issues, eviction, lockouts, court appearances and way too much wasted time and energy. I finally was able to get the squatters out, put the place on the market and it went under contract at the end of October with an expected close before Thanksgiving. More delays and headaches.

This past week the buyer finally had to walk from the deal due to their inability to secure a mortgage.

So it's back to square one on the selling front.

It's been a long process. I'm doing my best to remain open to the gift and what this experience is here to show me. I'm also ready to put this all past me so I can focus my full attention on that things that matter most.

Now that the initial scramble of this past week is behind me, I believe I'll be back to writing more frequently without having to force anything or publish stuff just for the sake of checking the box. I miss you all and can't wait to be regularly writing again.